In between bouts of a mood and the beginning of a new job, I had a moment where I really saw how much I had grown in the last twelve months.
One of the things I struggle with often is this unattainable goal of being the Best Version of Me at the onset of everything. The Version of Me that doesn’t make mistakes. The Version of Me who just gets it right every time. (Spoilers: She doesn’t exist)
Well, I had two humbling moments of not being this version. The first made me cry lots because it’s writing and the “You can’t do this because you’re not an artiste and you’re not the person you need to be” worm won’t go away.
The other happened at work and that’s the one I’ll talk about.
Whenever I feel like someone is excited to have me (literally, one of my project managers said he knew he wanted me on the project during the interview), I get so flustered and my personal standards skyrocket. The feeling runs a derailing train of, “I don’t perform to perfection, am I worth the hype?”
“If I make even the slightest error, will this person immediately regret having me on?”
(This might also extend to a lot of my writing, but we’re not addressing that for a while).
I made an error in an assignment. An assignment where part of the work flow is quality control. And for whatever reason, my warped sense of “living up to the hype” had convinced me that in order to be worth it, it meant going into quality control error-free. I felt the despair set in as I got corrections. I worried this inadequacy would somehow reach over towards a different assignment that I had submitted just moments before.
The emerging thought was, “Oh no, because I made this error, there are definitely a ton of errors in the other thing. Everything I do is error. I’m a disappointment.”
But I stopped it in its inception.
It’s unfair to me and to the trust in people placed in the decision to take me on. In response, I didn’t apologize. Instead, I thanked my co-worked for the flag and said I’d correct immediately. It’s why we had quality control as part of the work flow.
I was proud of not being extraordinarily hard on myself and I hope to see it happen again in other places.
Song of the Week: “Lederhosen” by Dunderpatrullen (2012)
Actively Reading: The Tiger’s Daughter by K. Arsenault Rivera (2017)